Where do I even begin..?

Yesterday was shitastic in so many ways! If you recall, Brad’s second follow up appointment at the urologist was yesterday; his semen analysis at 7:30am and meeting with the doctor at 8:30am. Considering we live an hour away, our day started much earlier than usual so we were both operating on little sleep. We arrived about 10 minutes late due to traffic, not that it mattered because he didn’t go back for his SA until about 8:10. I had a feeling at that point that the morning was not going to be as quick as I was hoping for. Fast forward through the next 2 hours while we sat in the waiting room and watched 20+ people be called back .. both of us about to fall asleep, myself … livid. We were finally called back to our little room around 10 where we waited — yet again, for another 30 minutes. When his doctor came in, he was astonished and appalled at how long we had waited. Seems as though after his SA, the staff simply forgot our follow up appointment existed. We knew from his blood test results that there was nothing wrong with his hormones, so I had my fingers tightly crossed for a better analysis. The doctor began stating that again his volume, PH … blah blah … was all still pretty good. Now onto his count, he reminded us that his prior count had been 3 million (how could I forget) today… 2 million. My words escaped me, I was dumbfounded. The doctor said since we know it’s not hormone related; our best bet would be a genetic test to check certain chromosomes and a biopsy. But here’s the kicker — he states that while Brad is having the biopsy done, we should probably just collect semen from the testicles while we’re in there and have it frozen for IVF. WOAHHH!! That word came out of nowhere .. and fast. I tried my hardest to process everything as quickly as possible, not able to speak due to the lump in my throat, I was seconds away from crying. I tried to back it up a few steps and ask about IUI; he stated his semen as it is, is not a good contender — BUT we could try to improve his count with fertility drugs first and go from there. He said he goes straight for the IVF because that’s what most people want. They want a baby today and that’s their best bet. I explained to him that I wanted a baby yesterday .. but that IVF is like the finish line, and I’m only in the middle of my marathon. From the beginning, Brad and I agreed that we were going to take baby steps, so Clomid it is .. for the next 3 months. He’ll go back in September for another SA to check and see if anything has changed; some men respond well and others nothing. What scared me even more is that the urologist isn’t even really aware of my problems.. you know those semi crummy eggs I have. Hopefully since I’m still of a young(er) age, they’ll still be good contenders for IUI or IVF. So for now we are still “on our own” I suppose for the next few months, waiting for a miracle to happen. I left the office dazed, I couldn’t even talk to Brad or I was gonna lose it .. I just needed time for it all to settle in. Today I called my fertility clinic just to clue in my nurse/doctor on what the plan was, she said we may not even want to waste our money on the IUI if we were to improve his sperm count … eh there it is again, another arrow pointing toward IVF. I’m not ready for that yet 😦 Why why why?! It’s just so not fair!

Then to make matters even worse I was laid off from my job … yep you read that correctly. I knew things weren’t going too well with the changes in Medicaid laws and whatnot but to be laid off after 1.5 months. Yep that what the cherry on top of my day.

.. I will try to keep up with my blog from time to time with updates on how Brad’s reacting to the ferility drugs and other random thoughts, but I probably won’t have too much to say the coming months as we slowly keep I chugging along. I feel like the last two months were in slow-mo and now I’ve got another 3-4 coming before we get any more answers. My dad said God must think I’m really strong because he won’t give me more than I can handle … but my breaking point cannot be far off. Can’t we catch a break??